Alexa! Find What I Like.

A few days ago, I read this book ‘Who moved my cheese?’. There was one question in it- What would you do if you weren’t afraid?

I put this as my WhatsApp status and got a few replies. And I also realised something- maybe the question is not about what I would do if I get enough time and resources. The question is more about- whether I really know what I would do if I am not afraid.

I must say it is not easy to admit that I do not have the answer. If you tell me today that bro, I got your back. Do whatever you have always wanted to do. Well, there is a long list of what I want to do but it is all in bits and parts. Do I have one solid thing- nope, nothing clicks.

I have given a thought of what may be the reason for such a decline in my own interests. At the outset, it is alarming just to admit it. When I deep-dived in this state of mine; the answers aren’t crystal clear. But you don’t need to be super smart to add up the pieces and find out where the fault is.

The short and easy way for this lack of interest will be to blame my work culture and shrug off all the responsibility. To be honest, it is one of the reasons. Such has been the state of affairs in office since the last couple of years that there is hardly any time to breathe. But that would be a soft target. I can get away by blaming my employers but then, they aren’t at fault here.

For that matter, even at work; such is the work that priorities changes every 10 minutes. So there also I am not doing one single thing for 2 hours. But as it is at the workplace, let us keep it out of discussion.

Obviously there is a change of lifestyle. Now I have a family to take care of and with that comes, a lot of responsibility and additional chores which might sound nothing but takes up a major part of the day. But this isn’t also a reason.

There is a bigger concern here- it is a lack of focus. I do not remember the last time I did something for 2 hours straight which was outside the office.

Binge watching Netflix doesn’t qualify. Watching Arsenal play football on weekends does not qualify. Napping does not qualify. Drinking sessions are often more than 2 hours long but I leave that to your discretion and judgement. Reading books can be an answer but in the context of the question, let us stick to activities which are productive and have tangible benefits.

When I started blogging, I had this energy to reach back at 8 in the evening and fire away a post once every 3 days. Today, there is a discomforting lack of energy to switch open my laptop. I often end up staring at blank pages. I am writing this one on mobile because I believe that if I switch on my laptop, I might not finish this.

Just like any other change, this one has also happened over the years. When I was not noticing how I am losing interest in my own interests. Today, it is about accepting that I have hit the rock bottom with the realisation that I need to work more on my interests.

The only way from here is up, right?

Originally published on https://twitter.com/tusharagg87/status/1705677939789205529?t=rWC9GyGifgHlcRnfhcH0-Q&s=19

The Peace Within

In 2013, I had this plan of driving my brand new i20 on the Golden Quadrilateral route. (Delhi-Mumbai-Chennai-Kolkata) Itineraries were made and then torn away to give way to the new ones. Friends were informed of the soon-to-be-confirmed one hell of a trip. It was just waiting to happen.

It never happened.

Today, in 2023, I have made peace with the fact that this may never happen. And this trip isn’t the only thing which I have accepted. There are many personal things which can’t be shared but share the same result- may happen but I won’t be losing my sleep over it.

Making peace with these realisations about what I can do and what I am doing has helped me. I have understood what to let go. And once you learn to let go, you are free. To take it slightly too far, you feel liberated.

Let me take an example. For the last few years, I wanted to do X. This thing X is not rocket science and can be done with day job. It is very rewarding if done right. But like any other thing, it needed consistency and discipline.

Recently I admitted to myself (with some reluctance) that I will not be pursuing X anymore due to not being disciplined enough. And I stopped having any expectations from X.

Dramatic it may sound but I now have some more time from the same 24 hours for things I can do. My head is lighter and am no more punishing myself for not doing X which, anyways, wasn’t done correctly. In my quest of doing X; neither I did that with any sort of plan nor I could do anything else as my time was tied up. Those 30 minutes daily and a couple of hours on weekends are suddenly available.

I will be 36 soon. That is roughly half of India’s present life expectancy. With the same number of years to go by; I choose not to be hard on myself for certain things.

I have not forget that I wanted to do X.

But what I know after a few years of trying is that it will need more than 30 minutes in a day to do it. Unless I have that; there is simply no point in continuing it.

There is a point in everyone’s lives when he learns to accept everything with a smile. I think I am there. And I am happy with it.

Being Generous in Praises

You have left home for your office. The traffic is unusually heavy. Most of the traffic signals are red and are crossed in the 2nd attempt. And of course, the cows believe that the roads are grasslands and refuse to budge. The radio isn’t playing songs of your favorite singer. And then right at the parking entry of your office building, you get to know that the gate is closed for maintenance and a detour is needed.

It is not the ideal morning. You have reached the office before time but still 15 minutes later than what you prefer. You don’t like delayed start to the day but it will be one today. And then suddenly, a colleague walks in and tells you- you look good today.

Will it lift your mood? Maybe yes. But it will surely not make you more sad or annoyed.

//Assume the setting for the remainder of the blog as an office space with seniors and juniors rather than your home and family.//

The funny (and unfortunate) part is that we take a lot of time and give more than required thought before praising others. And this is not about complimenting them for some outstanding work which is recognised monthly or annually and can be measured. Small things like the example above- just telling someone he/she looks good- is just a tonic we all need during everyday grind.

The problem with small praises is that a lot of times, they are taken in the wrong way. It becomes trickier when the person on the other side is of the opposite sex- suddenly the entire thing becomes complicated. And with our natural inclination to stay away from complications, we either forget to acknowledge the one’s effort altogether or leave it for too late when it loses relevance.

How difficult is it to just compliment people for something nice in their appearance or mannerism? It is not.

We all will immediately be raving about our 3 year old kid’s first half decent cricket shot and telling the world, posting it on Facebook and sharing in family WhatsApp groups for the older generation within 5 minutes. But taking a moment to say a one liner in the office to somebody who is probably not expecting it feels like a chore which can be avoided or maybe, left for tomorrow (or forever). We never know how much the other guy needed that Attaboy from us.

They smell good- tell them.

One slight effort on their part got you acknowledged- tell them.

They did something today which they were not doing till yesterday – tell them.

They are doing something extra which their counterparts aren’t- tell them.

The new shirt looks great- tell him.

The new kurti looks awesome- tell her.

Should you lie when it comes to praises? The answers can be very subjective but ideally, the words need to be honest and worthy. At the same time, if I believe that the scales are tipped 60-40 in the favor of my team; I am quick to acknowledge and tell them instantly. There can be no harm in slight exaggeration till the time it does not result in any kind of manipulation.

I believe in being more generous to others when it comes to praising. Till the time I know that the person on the other end did make the effort or did something going out of the way; he/she deserves nice words. Results may not be as per the expectation but if you acknowledge the effort today; you will see the results tomorrow.

Little extra good can do no harm to this world and its people. Be generous with the words, fellas.

Discovery

I watched Ranbir Kapoor starrer Rockstar in 2011, the weekend it was released. It was a normal movie for me at that time.

A few years later; I watched it again on some channel to kill time. It was the same. Nothing different. No difference.

And recently; I watched it again to kill time. Something changed this time. I noticed something which was always there but did not register earlier. But once I saw it; it was tough to ignore.

I will come back to this later.

A very long time back, in 1999, Preity Zinta and Akshay Kumar starrer Sangharsh was released. The movie tanked at the box office but was more than decent. Especially the portrayal of Lajja Shankar Pandey by Ashutosh Rana was scary and looked real. His signature howling with an open mouth was intimidating.

——–

You might be wondering what is the fuss about these movies.

There was a scene in Rockstar where Jordan aka Janardhan (Ranbir Kapoor); in his days of struggling; was singing anywhere and everywhere to earn money. Be it temples, mosques, dandiyas- he is shown singing. In one particular scene; he is singing Bollywood-style bhajans in a maata ka jagrata. In the next scene; he is shown singing some deep sufi music in a mosque.

In this movie Sangharsh; Lajja Shankar Pandey is a Hindu religious fanatic who believes that sacrificing children to Gods would make him immortal.

I believe you understand where I am taking you.

——–

I never saw Ranbir Kapoor’s calm demeanor in a mosque and fun-filled casualness in a temple until the last couple of years. And I connected the dot that Imtiaz Ali is the director so that was bound to happen.

Nor I notice that how a pandit is being shown as a killer of innocent children till I saw it again a few days back. Because Bhatts are the directors; they always have some resentment towards Hindus.

I can also talk about how Anurag Kashyap, very grandly, in his Magnus opus “Gangs of Wasseypur 1 & 2” showed the world how a local Muslim goon felled the empire of a very powerful Hindu upper-caste politician.

Nothing has changed in the movies mentioned above. What worries me is that I have started noticing these things.

——–

I am truly sorry if the words in the cited examples sound and read cheap and insulting. Feel free to judge me. What has changed is how I look at things, thanks to the constant social media feeds.

Make no mistake; I am not blaming Facebook/ Twitter for changing me into someone who has started noticing these technicalities. The fault is mine that I let it happen. I consider myself a moderate who doesn’t give a rat’s ass what’s happening in the other’s lives; let alone the other religions. This change is troubling for me.

After almost half a decade of constantly feeding my mind the crap it does not deserve; I have developed an eye I would love to get rid of. There is already enough happening which needs attention and I can very well do without having an extra worry about how my Gods and their Gods are being portrayed in a fictional setting.

Sometimes, I wonder whether these things were always there but I was immature to understand them. This may be partially true but equally true is the fact that 10 years back; no movie critic and self-styled soldiers of their respective religions were howling about these. The world was an ignorant and happy place. But now nothing goes unnoticed.

——–

I stopped using Facebook four years ago. Twitter addiction is very strong. And it is probably the biggest influencer of my ideology. I wish that there was a switch which can be just flipped off and things go back to what they were long time back.

Grateful

Time travels fast. Two years ago, I was writing my name on the society register everyday before going out. Those were unknown, unseen times.

We were in the middle of government imposed lockdown due to rapid spread of COVID-19. Apart from essential services, everybody had to stay home. As I had to go out for my job, I had to inform the society so that they can inform the authorities in case something unwanted happens.

I was lucky that no one in my immediate family got contracted with the virus. Couple of relatives did get it and things were very ugly for few days but eventually, it all turned out good. Same for my friends who were by and large unaffected. And now that enough time has passed to sit back and reflect; it hits me hard that God was kind to me and I should be so grateful to him.

Sometimes we are too close to the things that we do not see the entire picture. COVID showed me that picture. It told that there is nothing to be taken for granted.

An account I follow posted on Twitter on Dec 31 2021. This was the most relevant thing I read in 2021.

It was a hint that nothing is to be taken for granted. Of course, you should strive to do better and keep hustling; but that should not mean that you disregard what you already got.

There is no age to learn. In my mid 30s; I am still trying to learn so many things. But this lesson of being grateful is something I will never forget.

Two Kinds of Happiness

In today’s world, we will hardly find a guy/girl who has everything. Most of us need more money, some need respect and status; a few need the latest LCD and a Ray-ban aviator. You got the drift.

Well, I would like some me time. Some free time to do things. Things I know I will do when I will have lots and lots of time. When would that happen is an entirely different thing, isn’t it?

So, a few days back; I had a full day to myself, as wife and son were outstation. I suddenly made too many plans. 24 hours. So many things I can do. Where is my list of to-do things? Oh, there it is, in a diary. You might remember it.

So, the big day came. And apart from the first 2 hours of the day; I did nothing right.

Yep. You read it right. Almost nothing.

I say first 2 hours because I woke up on time and had my breakfast on time. Post that, the day kept getting south and south and south.

As it stands, I am waiting for the next day of myself with me to do those things hidden in a diary. And I know it is not going to come anytime soon. If it was 2012; I know what I would have done. But it isn’t 2012. I am 10 years wiser and wasted a complete day.

How did this happen? Let’s back up a bit.

What went wrong? I have asked this question a hundred times since then. And I guess I have the answer. It isn’t pleasing or pretty. But the truth has never been easy. It is supposed to hurt and in my case; it has hurt big, big time.

I will try to make it as much less mundane as I can do.

The short answer is- Mobile Phones/ social media. Although I have uninstalled Facebook and Instagram; Twitter has become, what they say nowadays, a new smoking habit. It is addictive and easy to scroll and before you can put it down; viola. There is a new tweet. Let’s read it and see among morons who are fighting.

The long answer is slightly complicated, twisted.

I have started this blog in 2011. This blog does not have many readerships today. The same was the case 10 years back. Yes, the goal somewhere was to create a blog that thousands will read and will become a brand and blah, blah, blah. That never happened and it never affected me. I kept writing because I wanted to write. I wrote because it made me happy. It made me feel content.

Fast forward today.

“No-one, and nothing, could make me very happy. I was tough, which is probably the saddest thing you can say about a man.”
Gregory David Roberts, Shantaram

Writing had made me stop feeling happy. And you can’t do something if you are not happy; unless you are getting paid monthly for that.

I am not that sad or a pessimist. People who know me say that I do Ok socially. But apart from my family, my son; things hardly make me happy. And as quoted above; this is probably the saddest thing you can say about a man.

What you read above probably sounded bad. What makes it worse for me is the truth that I am turning into a kind of being who doesn’t feel happy happened with full realization. Every day I knew that something is not right and I need to arrest the fall. This fall has no floor. You think you hit the bottom. No Sir, there are deeper levels of sh*t coming your way. But yes, at every level; you may get some time to think about things and the sh*t you are getting into. You may also see a ladder that will take you out of the gutter. All you need is the energy to reach it. You grab that and you have found your bottom. Otherwise, this pit is bottomless.

As I write today, I am still latching on to the ladder to be out of it. I am sure I am pretty far from the bottom but still in the pit. The struggle will end the day I am out completely. It has been a slow grind for some time now. But I would like to believe that I will be happy again, very soon. And happy in my way of being happy. Happy with myself and about what I do.

Small Silly Reminders

Growing old each day, lately, I have realized that my already overburdened brain should not be used for storing unimportant things like tasks and contacts but for more important things like people and happy memories. Hence, I started keeping a small notepad with me to note down certain things- a kind of to-do list (without a deadline as such) that is not related to my profession. (Just in case you are wondering, there is a bigger diary for professional things pending).

It has been 2 weeks since this exercise. My notepad has 5 items as of date- things that I am supposed to do within a reasonable time frame. There have been 2 weekends since I started. My progress is NIL. And I am sad to admit that I don’t see that list being struck down any soon.

As I see the notepad, I can see items being added to it. How many of those I can finish in a month is an altogether different agenda.

—-

If the lines above sound like a rant to you, I don’t blame you. And you might not relate to me. You may be one of those who can schedule things and do them.

But it hits me to the core that if I am not able to do things which I have been reminding myself through this notepad, what about the numerous thoughts I have had over the years which I thought were preserved in my memory but are nowhere now. Things I wanted to do but I don’t even remember them today.

But it’s too late for that. It can’t be undone. What can be done is to make sure that going ahead, this doesn’t get repeated. No thoughts/ideas should be lost in responsibilities of every day.

This small notepad is here to serve that purpose. More than just a medium of noting down things, it will tell me that maybe I am not able to finish certain things on time but it is to be done. Let me help you with an example.

10 days ago, I read a tweet on Twitter that I wanted to write about on this blog. I noted the same in my diary and I duly forgot that. 3 days ago, when I opened the diary, I remembered that I need to write a price on Katia Kouyate, the story from Twitter. Without this notepad, there was a zilch chance of this happening. I would have never again read that tweet on Twitter. One more thought was lost in the wilderness.

Maybe it is not making sense to you. Don’t worry. Take your time. Read it again. It will.

And if it does make sense, get a diary of your own and start noting down things.

On the long enough timeline of survival until death, it should serve you well.

So Near, Yet So Far

Back in 2009, I was applying for various entrance examinations. When asked for a preference for a place of posting, I remember selecting metros like Delhi, Mumbai, and Bangalore. My father always asked- why not our city? And although I don’t remember giving him any reply, deep inside I knew the answer was- I want to live a fast life Dad. This city is slow.

I left Dehradun in 2005 for my college in Meerut. In 2011, as luck would have it, my employer gave me Delhi Circle as a posting. That means I will hardly get to see my hometown but I will be near enough to regret the stupid decision taken while filling the form. And the posting was not exactly in Delhi but in small cities. The Dehradun kind of slow, small Tier-III cities which I wanted to run away from.

——

In 2021, as I completed 10 years in the bank; there is a burning desire to go back to the roots. To live a slow life in a slow city.

In 10 years, I have lived 5 years in Mumbai and almost 5 years in Delhi NCR in three instalments. And at the cost of sounding like the proverbial frog in a well, I am sure I have seen enough of the fast life.

Every time I go back, I feel there is lot of time on my hands. Something which I have found myself short of living in great Indian metro cities. Agreed that when I go there, I am on leave and do not have any work-related commitments but there is this feeling of doing so much more.

In my last 15-20 visits, I have always ensured to drive through the old Mussoorie road around sunset time to see the roads I have been seeing since when I was 5. I have parked myself at Maggi Point to have a bird’s eye view of the city. There is a new restaurant on every visit at breath taking spots. Roads and air look better and cleaner. Traffic, no doubt, is increasing but who am I to complain?

I was in Dehradun a week ago and I don’t remember missing it as it happened this time. On every nook and corner, you can take out your smartphone and click photos and selfies that will make you look a complete pro and amplify your Instagram profile. Did I say that I am slightly jealous of my friends who chose to stay back while I was “metro” hopping?

I don’t know if that day will come when I will be back there for ever. But I have this hope I will go back. I am still hopeful about spending weekends with friends and family in an old shack which is serving piping hot Maggi overlooking the cedar and pine tree covered hills. Or maybe some cold beer on a chilly December afternoon. Or maybe just another drive on some new road winding down the hills.

I choose to believe that there is still time left to do all this. And not when I will turn 60 and beyond. Maybe, while I am good enough to live on my own rather than being a burden on others.

Very near but little far from where I want to be.

The Zomato-esque Leap

“Iss Desh Ke Graduates Jab Apne 9 to 5 Job Se Bore Hone Lagte Hain Toh Bahar Nikalne Ke Bas 3 Raaste Hote Hain
1.IAS 2. MBA 3. Aur Start-Up”
—— Rajat to Naveen (TVF Pitchers)

Zomato was a startup when startups weren’t cool. They didn’t care. They kept working and on Friday, they went public with markets accepting them with open arms.

I didn’t apply for the IPO and didn’t make any money. But it gives me immense satisfaction to see them listed. If Zomato shares would have traded in loss, the IPO investors would have accepted it, cursed the promoters and moved on. But the negative ripple effect it would have had on the Indian startup ecosystem would have had repurcussions.

India need creators/founders as much as it needs skilled workers. We all have heard stories Indian moving abroad and doing great things there. I believe now is the time to do those things in India. Zomato IPO has shown that if you are good, you will be rewarded. “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”- it almost fits perfect for Zomato.

And to the Goyal of Zomato and Bansal of Flipkart, an Agarwal of ‘something’ aspires to be part of your legacy. The idea is there since 7 years. I hope I can find a way out soon to make it a reality.

May the force be with me.

Opinions

What you think doesn’t matter everywhere

4 years ago, I posted 2nd of the 2 questions I have ever posted on Quora-

“What to do to have an opinion on everything?”

The good folks there poured their unabated wisdom for me. Read newspaper, blogs, feeds, newsletters and what not. I read a few of those, got bored and never opened Quora again.

Slowly, my quest for having an opinion on every news started dimming. To detach myself more, I quit active Facebook scrolling, Now I login once in 6 months and have never missed anyone who matters to me- family and close friends.

I use Twitter very actively and there I realize how people feel the need to have an opinion on everything. Zomato IPO, Ram Mandir, Vaccination pace, WB elections- pretty varied interests there.

Especially big handles- it is almost an obligation for them to write on everything and keep their followers humoured. It is like you can hire them for your newspaper and one editor will be enough to cover all the sections. All of them are experts!!

I do have opinions but I stick to things that resonates most with me- sports, trading, writing. Other than that, I really don’t care about seculars, liberals, political alliances, religious movements etc etc.

Too much information overdose is making lots of Jack asses out there. I am not a jack of all trades and certainly not a master of any but you sit with me and I can talk to you almost on everything (yes bitcoin too). But do I have an opinion on it- I think I will pass that.

For what it’s worth, here is a one liner for those with opinion on everything-

Nobody really give a rat’s ass.