In today’s world, we will hardly find a guy/girl who has everything. Most of us need more money, some need respect and status; a few need the latest LCD and a Ray-ban aviator. You got the drift.
Well, I would like some me time. Some free time to do things. Things I know I will do when I will have lots and lots of time. When would that happen is an entirely different thing, isn’t it?
So, a few days back; I had a full day to myself, as wife and son were outstation. I suddenly made too many plans. 24 hours. So many things I can do. Where is my list of to-do things? Oh, there it is, in a diary. You might remember it.
So, the big day came. And apart from the first 2 hours of the day; I did nothing right.
Yep. You read it right. Almost nothing.
I say first 2 hours because I woke up on time and had my breakfast on time. Post that, the day kept getting south and south and south.
As it stands, I am waiting for the next day of myself with me to do those things hidden in a diary. And I know it is not going to come anytime soon. If it was 2012; I know what I would have done. But it isn’t 2012. I am 10 years wiser and wasted a complete day.
How did this happen? Let’s back up a bit.
What went wrong? I have asked this question a hundred times since then. And I guess I have the answer. It isn’t pleasing or pretty. But the truth has never been easy. It is supposed to hurt and in my case; it has hurt big, big time.
I will try to make it as much less mundane as I can do.
The short answer is- Mobile Phones/ social media. Although I have uninstalled Facebook and Instagram; Twitter has become, what they say nowadays, a new smoking habit. It is addictive and easy to scroll and before you can put it down; viola. There is a new tweet. Let’s read it and see among morons who are fighting.
The long answer is slightly complicated, twisted.
I have started this blog in 2011. This blog does not have many readerships today. The same was the case 10 years back. Yes, the goal somewhere was to create a blog that thousands will read and will become a brand and blah, blah, blah. That never happened and it never affected me. I kept writing because I wanted to write. I wrote because it made me happy. It made me feel content.
Fast forward today.
“No-one, and nothing, could make me very happy. I was tough, which is probably the saddest thing you can say about a man.”Gregory David Roberts, Shantaram
Writing had made me stop feeling happy. And you can’t do something if you are not happy; unless you are getting paid monthly for that.
I am not that sad or a pessimist. People who know me say that I do Ok socially. But apart from my family, my son; things hardly make me happy. And as quoted above; this is probably the saddest thing you can say about a man.
What you read above probably sounded bad. What makes it worse for me is the truth that I am turning into a kind of being who doesn’t feel happy happened with full realization. Every day I knew that something is not right and I need to arrest the fall. This fall has no floor. You think you hit the bottom. No Sir, there are deeper levels of sh*t coming your way. But yes, at every level; you may get some time to think about things and the sh*t you are getting into. You may also see a ladder that will take you out of the gutter. All you need is the energy to reach it. You grab that and you have found your bottom. Otherwise, this pit is bottomless.
As I write today, I am still latching on to the ladder to be out of it. I am sure I am pretty far from the bottom but still in the pit. The struggle will end the day I am out completely. It has been a slow grind for some time now. But I would like to believe that I will be happy again, very soon. And happy in my way of being happy. Happy with myself and about what I do.